“Is this it? Is this
the best it can ever be? Boye you just have to change the way you.......”
I saw the flash of
hurt in his eyes, but I was too frustrated to stop. We’d been dating for over a
year and I’d found a greater part of that time less than fulfilling. When the
fights started, we joked that we went through the honeymoon phase before the
relationship officially started, but now it was no longer funny. You see we’d
had feelings for each other long before the relationship officially started.
Back then it was electric. My best friend often teased me about how she could
feel the chemistry between Boye and I when she was in the room with us.
He cut me off mid
sentence.
“Ruth let me ask you
a question”
I restrained myself
from speaking as I watched him gather his thoughts.
“When exactly did
things change? How did this relationship you claimed gave you so much
fulfilment only a few months ago become so unfulfilling?”
I took a deep breath
and attempted to respond, but my mind drew a blank, so he continued.
“It breaks my heart
to see you so unhappy. Whatever I do these days either irritates or annoys you.
Gone are the days when I could do no wrong, now it seems I can do no right! You
hardly smile at me anymore I see the way you light up around your friends, and I
think if only I can be better, if only I can do better then maybe, just
maybe.....”
He ran his left hand
over his head- something he did when he was frustrated.
“Ruth, I know you
don’t love me anymore.”
He was right, I didn’t
love him anymore.
“Right now, everything
I do feels like pouring water into a bottomless pit. I’m tired of the double
standards and constantly being made to feel like a disappointment. How is it ok
for you to ask me to change things about myself and when I suggest clothes I
think would suit you, you suggest I go get a Barbie and stop trying to dress
you up.”
I could sense him
trying to control his emotions. He looked me straight in the eyes and asked me
something that shook me to the core.
“How and when did I
suddenly stop being good enough?”
His face twisted in
pain as he continued
“It’s funny; the
love I have for you is in no way related to how you have treated me the last few
months. If it was I would probably have killed you by now. I spend my time focusing
on what I like about you, trying to stoke the fire in my heart. While you’ve
spent that time concentrated on all the stuff about me you dislike.”
“So you know what? I’ve decided to make a
change that will definitely give you less to be sad, angry, irritated and
disappointed about. I can’t bear how unhappy your constantly being disappointed
with me and my efforts has made you.”
Right then, he handed
me his half of the “Forever Friends” key holder I’d given him.
“It’s obvious I’m
not the boyfriend you want, so how about I change my status from boyfriend to
just friend.”
By this time my head
was spinning. Did my boyfriend just break up with me?
The Moral?
My day job is far
from my dream job. It involves more out of office trips than I’d like, and this
depressed me a lot between the end of last year and most of early this year.
Every time I thought about how different it was from my dream job and went over
all the things I hated about it, the more angry, unfulfilled and depressed I
became. I just couldn’t see past the (exaggerated in my mind) frequent out of office
trips, for me the only option was to find another job - even if it wasn’t my
dream job, something with less out of office trips.
The bible says,
where there is no vision the people perish. I’ve since come to understand that
vision here means the capacity to see beyond any given situation/ limitation. When
you cannot see beyond an obstacle, you have no way of overcoming that obstacle.
The reality of life is that we become what we focus on. In the story, we see
that before Ruth and Boye officially started dating, they both focused on the
good qualities about each other indirectly stoking the fire of love they had in
their hearts for each other- something Boye continued to do even after they
officially started dating. Ruth however, was more focused on Boye’s negative
traits, the more she focused on them the less fulfilled she felt in the
relationship and the less love she felt for Boye.
Now nobody is
perfect, and no one should settle for what they absolutely cannot stand.
However, a question we should ask ourselves in situations like this is, if
nothing has changed- if the person, situation, limitation hasn’t gotten worse,
why have our feelings gotten worse? Most times we realise it’s our perception
that has changed, so even when we find ourselves in a different situation we
still encounter the challenges of the previous situation because we are still
the same.
In my case I spent
so much time concentrating on the negative aspects of my job, I ignored the
positive, like the fact that while working here, I met someone who is now one
of my best- it’s a huge blessing having to work with a good friend, so when I
focus on him and what a blessing he’s been to me, my feelings change and I’m
glad to be at work.
The devil is indeed
the father of lies and wants us to feel like the situation will never change, like
it will never get better. He wants to keep us focused on his lies and breed
toxic emotions in our hearts. But God says our focus should be on Him and what
He says about our situation. God wants us to develop a capacity for vision, and
develop the ability to see beyond the negative. He wants us to realise that
often times we are the ones that need to be changed and not our situation.
An extract from a Joyce Meyer Devotional
From strength
to strength
Psalm 84:5-7 “Blessed
(happy, fortunate, to be envied) is the man whose strength is in You, in whose
heart are the highways to Zion. Passing through the Valley of Weeping
(Baca), they make it a place of springs; the early rain also fills [the pools]
with blessings. They go from strength to strength [increasing in
victorious power]; each of them appears before God in Zion.”
I have discovered that when I am unhappy, I am tempted
to start blaming my unhappiness on some circumstance or person in my life who
is not giving me what I feel I need. Satan wants us to think that nothing will
ever change, that things will only get worse. He wants us to inventory every
disappointing that that has ever happened in our lives and think about how
mistreated we have been. We can either be angry or we can look at God to meet
our need.
Prayer
Lord, I draw my strength
from You today. Help me to keep my eyes on You and see the difficult places
turned into pools of blessings. Amen
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