Like a lamb to the slaughter

“He is a big joker! So he wants me to be all lovely dovey but when it’s time for him to give me emotional support he will be missing in action! He can’t have it both ways, only emotionally present with happy me, but missing in action when I’m down. Just thinking about it makes me so mad! I really needed him, but he really just couldn’t be bothered. I mean, if I can’t expect this of him, then who can I expect it from?”

I could hear the pain in her voice and I knew her question was meant to be rhetorical, but I had an answer for her, so I pulled her into a warm hug to calm her down which I hoped would make her more receptive to the lecture I was about to give, one I’d received not too long ago myself.

Yasmin had been married for only a few months, but had come to an emotional impasse that threatened to destroy her marriage. One I was trying to get to the bottom of. Her husband had recently started complaining that she was suddenly emotionally distant. It didn’t take me long to figure out what the problem was, she was dying to open up to someone- anyone, just not him. At least not anymore.

Source: Pinterest

An old friend of hers recently lost his son, and it hid her hard. Even though they hadn’t been in touch for a while, she’d never heard him sound so broken. She tried as much as possible to be there for him and his family, but it was emotionally draining. She’d reached out to her husband for comfort, but hadn’t gotten the response she felt she needed. It wasn't the first time, or the second, and frankly, she was tired, so she switched off.

Pulling away, “What I’m about to say may not be what you want to hear right now, but I’d like you to give it some thought. Can you do that?”

Taking her slow nod as a sign of cooperation, I began my story.

Before Charles and I got married, I'd had lofty dreams of what my marriage would be like. He would be my indestructible emotional rock! God forbid I was ever sad, he would never let a single tear drop from my eyes but would always be there with a warm hug and listening ear. The wedding day came and went, and reality quickly set in. Needless to say, I was an emotional wreck. Mind you, i’m not what one would call the emotional type. For years I’d done a good job- an excellent job actually, of hiding my feelings well, so a part of me was looking forward to sharing them with someone I felt I could trust and allow myself to be vulnerable with. It was a really difficult time for me at work but it was like Charles was completely oblivious to my needs and incapable of providing the emotional comfort I needed. When I needed a hug, he gave me a pat on the back. When I needed him to just listen, he gave me 10 ways to resolve the issue. So I started to slowly shut down. It wasn’t intentional. I just didn’t know what to do with this new me. I hated been vulnerable with someone who I didn’t feel was supportive, so I began to revert to the old me. But the more feelings I held in, the more I began to resent him. What was the point being married to someone if they can’t meet my emotional needs? But I hated who I was becoming. Something had to change, and change they did.

Ben was all that Charles wasn’t. Attentive and affectionate. So it was easy to.....

 To be continued

The Worse Kind of Betrayal (Part 1) : Regret

 I grasped my chest with my left hand and I tried to steady myself with my right, as the first jolt of pain ripped through me. I silently gasped for air and thought to myself, so this is what it feels like to die, as my knees began to buckle.

“Bidemi! Oh my God! Bidemi!” Bode yelled as he reached out to grab me.

Maybe it was the sound of his voice, or the touch of his hand, but in an instant, new life was breathed into me.

“Don’t you dare touch me” I said as I regained my footing and my eyes started to sting. I rolled them back and took a very deep breath. Don’t do it. Girl don’t do it. My initial reaction was bad

When friendship goes too far (Part 2)

“What arrant nonsense, Jimi can never try that rubbish with me”.

She put her hand on my shoulder.

 “My dear you have to confront him, nip it in the bud before it gets out of hand. Stand your ground; let him know that you won’t take such nonsense. Imagine! A married man going around claiming to have a woman other than his wife as his best friend. My dear, that’s how it starts oh”

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I turned to look at Uju. She smiled as she finally spoke.

 “I’m waiting for Chi to finish. Are you done?”  

When friendship goes too far (Part 1)

I bumped into her in the cereal aisle; she was the same bubbly Bidemi that I remember from 2 years ago. We hugged. I wanted to move on as quickly as possible, but she wasn't having any of it.

“Wow, it’s really good to see you”

I tried to return her bright smile, but I was tired.

“How’ve you been? It’s really been ages”

“Yeah I know. I keep telling George that I really should pay you guys a visit sometime”

My ears twitched at the sound of my husband’s name, but I smiled like I knew what she was talking about- I wasn't even aware George had spoken to her recently.

“Hmmm yeah”

“I mean, only last week I suggested that we should all do something to celebrate his promotion at work. I even offered to take you guys to lunch or something, but he went on and on about how busy you are these days.”

I was speechless; I didn’t know my husband had been promoted.

“You must be really proud of him, and I know how unexpected it was given the issues he’s been having at work lately”

My head was spinning. George had been having issues at work? I wrapped the conversation up as quickly as I could; afraid that the longer I stayed there the easier it would be for her to realise that I was completely in the dark about all the things she was telling me about my husband. I abandoned the half full trolley and made my way to the car park, shopping would have to wait another few days. I sat in my car for at least 20 mins afraid to grip the staring wheel with my shaky hands.

George and I had been married for almost 2 years; most of that time had been less than pleasant. The honeymoon phase fizzled away quite quickly as we attempted to adjust to married life. I trusted George completely; I knew he would never cheat on me. Not because he loved me, but because he loved God. But this hurt. It hurt me more than it would have if I caught him in bed with another woman. How can my husband share such personal things with someone else?

**************

This story was inspired by a conversation my colleagues had during lunch yesterday. It was interesting to hear how most guys don’t understand why their wives have an issue with them forming close friendships with ex girlfriends or people of the opposite sex – a handful of the guys unfortunately put it down to a lack of trust by their wives.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying do not have friends of the opposite sex just because you are married or in a relationship, I’m just saying you and your friend should respect your relationship enough to set and maintain boundaries within the friendship that do not threaten the relationship with your spouse. The truth is that the devil is working overtime to destroy marriages and relationships. Why give him a chance? Is that friendship more important than what you have built or are trying to build with your spouse?

What exactly is Emotional Infidelity? 

In my opinion it’s when you form meaningful attachments with people other than your partner in ways that prevent your partner from having that deep emotional intimacy with you. It damages relationships because it is about “connection” which is what people want.  It usually stems from feeling emotionally distant from the “spouse who doesn’t understand you” or “who doesn’t appreciate you” making you more vulnerable to becoming emotionally attached to an idealized friend- you have allowed that person access to a part of you God intended for your spouse.

No one really starts out wanting to commit infidelity of any kind – sexual, emotional e.t.c, but without boundaries you are at risk for emotional infidelity, even if you have a solid relationship, because attention and affection from someone new always feels good.

How does it start?

• Spend plenty of time with a person of the opposite sex who is not your spouse
• Tell your life story to one another
• Share from deep in your heart, especially where your spouse misses your heart
• Share seemingly meaningful experiences together-achievement at work or ministry offers this
• Let yourself relax and enjoy the others presence
• And for good Christian measure, pray with the other person to deny your sexual attraction-heartfelt prayer is more intimate than sex in many ways and in this situation gives the illusion you are doing the 'right' thing.

Source: Marriage Restored

Can you prevent it from happening?

The bible tells us in 1Tessalonians 5:22 “Abstain from evil [shrink from it and keep aloof from it] in whatever form or whatever kind it may be” and 1Peter 5:8 “Be well balanced (temperate, sober of mind), be vigilant and cautious at all times; for that enemy of yours, the devil, roams around like a lion roaring [in fierce hunger], seeking someone to seize upon and devour.” As long as you set and maintain the boundaries around your primary relationship strong, you'll stay safely in love!

• First, guard your thoughts. How? Well, the Bible says in 2 Corinthians 10:5 that you are to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. This simply means you must take control of your thoughts!
•  Next, you must communicate to your spouse when you feel unappreciated. If there are deeper issues, seek Christian counselling.
• Set boundaries for interacting with the opposite sex.
• Divulge all opposite sex friendships to your spouse.
• Regularly seek ways to keep your relationship fresh and exciting.

Source: Christian Marriage Today

So ladies and gentlemen, guard your heart with all diligence for out of it flow the issues of life.

Related Article : The Emotional Affair: When Friendship Goes Too Far, When Friendship goes too far