She hated wearing her glasses, but today,
that was the only way she could hide the fact that she had been crying for the
past 2 days. What hadn’t she tried? She’d prayed, she’d read her bible searching
for a word. Something! Anything!
Going through the events of the past
day in her mind, she really wondered where she’d gone wrong and what she could
have done differently. She was the kind of person who found meaning in
everything, a hopeless (albeit closet) romantic. With their wedding anniversary
coming up in a week, and the regular misunderstandings they’d been having for
the past month, she’d decided to give him something she thought he’d
appreciate.
For a while now, he’d been complaining
about her inability to express what she was feeling concerning certain things. It
was no secret between them that this was extremely difficult for her to do. She’d
been hurt so many times over the years that she’d survived by bottling things up
inside. She wouldn’t know what to do, our how to function with her emotions
floating around the place and she’d often told him she didn’t like telling him
things because she didn’t want him to feel bad about something that may have
happened between them. But as the tears she desperately tried to stop kept
pouring out, she remembered what he’d said- how he’d told her she to tell him
anyway, that the truth might hurt, but the truth was still the truth. Sitting
with the wet tissue in her hand, she replayed in her head the podcast that had
finally given her the courage to do it - the one that told her that her husband
was a ‘safe place’ that she should be able to tell him anything.
She was totally and utterly confused.
And worse, she was afraid and could still feel his anger as she replayed the
conversation in her head. She just didn’t understand what happened. This was a
man who had told her times without number that he often got frustrated because
he didn’t know what she was feeling; they’d had numerous arguments because of
it. And the first time she had tried to share her feelings with him; he had
exploded in her face. She felt like she was left holding a bleeding heart after
the doctor had told her not to go elsewhere that he would fix it, but had
abandoned her when she had gone to him.
She got on her knees again. Maybe one
more prayer would take this pain away. She flipped open the bible again. Maybe
she would find that one verse that would bring the comfort she so desperately needed.
At some point, she realised it was past time for them to pray. She checked her
phone. No missed call. He hadn’t called her.
As she dialled her husband’s number she
wondered if it’d be wise to attempt to share with him how his reaction had made
her feel. She decided against it. She just couldn’t risk it. Instead she made
small talk with him before they prayed. She asked him what she could have done
differently to prevent what had happened the previous day. She could tell he
was irritated at how low her voice was when she said her ‘amens’. But she
blamed it on network issues. She wouldn’t let him know that she couldn’t speak
louder so it wouldn’t be evident to him that she’d been crying while he prayed.
She cried herself to sleep that night, not because it made her feel better, but
because she had nothing else to do. She just didn’t know what to do with the
flood of emotions she was drowning in. She’d never felt so alone in her life.
There was no one she could tell of her secret pain. She was alone.
***
She woke up the next morning with tears on her pillow and realised
she’d been crying in her sleep. But as she got out of bed, she knew something
had changed when she heard the still small voice whisper ‘old things have
passed away and all things have become new’. Making her way to the shower, the
tears that had been her companion in the last few days threatened to pour out
again, she was surprised when she heard herself say, ‘Ore, enough with the
tears. You will not cry today. Your weeping endured last night, this morning
claim your joy’. She was not convinced. She thought of her wedding anniversary
only a few days away, the custom made card she’d ordered for her husband.....it’s
words. And then a voice she clearly recognised as the Holy Spirit said to her “child,
have you learnt nothing? A second does not define your life; neither do these
last few days define your marriage. If you will take anything from Me, take
this- Love is patient, Love is kind It does not envy,
it does not boast, it is not proud. It
does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it
keeps no record of wrongs. Love
does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects,
always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
***
As she waited for her husband at the arrivals gate, she wondered
if he realised how hurt she still was by what had happened the past few day, she
was tempted to let him see her red swollen eyes. But instead, she put on her
glasses and threw her arms around her husband and told him how much she’d
missed him. Because that’s just what you do. These misunderstandings may get
harder to recover from, but she knew she just had to get up- every time.
***
1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 “Love is patient and kind.
Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or
rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no
record of being wronged. It does
not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses
faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophecy and speaking in unknown
languages
and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last
forever!”
There was a time when i thought love
was a ‘feeling. I’d always known that there was a difference between loving
someone and being in love with someone, but i’d always thought they were 2
different types of feelings/emotions. However, now that I have a better
understanding, I know love is not a feeling, it’s something you do, (yeah,
yeah, yeah I know I stole errr I mean borrowed that line from a song).
So what is love?
As children of God,
we are called to love others in the way we see modelled by God and his son. But
is this really possible when most of us don’t even understand what love it?! I
once read a book that defined love as ‘the sacrifice of self....not necessarily
an emotion, or feeling loving towards a person, but an act of self sacrifice.
• Love involves
effort, not merely emotion
• Love demands
action, not just feeling
• Love is something we do, not something we only feel or say
Love is
action
In 1John 3:18 we are told not to love in word or in
tongue, but in deed and truth....meaning love is something we do, not just the
words we say.
Love reaches
out to the ‘Unlovable’
Luke 6:32; ‘But if you love those who love you,
what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them’. This
again I feel illustrates the fact that love is just not a feeling but a choice
we make, a choice to love those who aren’t nice to us or those who treat us
badly, even when we don’t feel like. It should be remembered that God’s love is
never deserved- it simply is, so to love as God loves is not to choose to show
love only to those who are nice to us, or love us back the way we want.
Love expects
nothing in return
We are told in Luke6:35 to do good to others
without expecting to get anything back. Love is not selfish, so to love as God
loves is to love with no expectation of reward for that love.
God helps us
It’s all well and good that we are asked to show
this enormous amount of love to everyone every time, even when we are so angry
we can’t tell the difference between night and day. What we need to realise is
that we have all the help and support we need in God. I know it’s easy for
people to say this, but we need to remember we cannot create love, it is a gift
from God as we are told in Rom5:5, and only His grace gives us the strength to
keep getting up, to keep loving.
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