“Eyamba?”
I didn’t respond. I wanted to scream, hit him – anything
to dispel the raging emotions I was feeling. How could he come back after all
this time and ask this of me. Just when I was picking up the pieces of my
broken heart, just as I was getting my life back on track. In that moment I
considered all the hurtful things I could say to him - to give him a taste of
how I felt and what I thought of him and his stupid request. In a flash my mind
went over the course of events that had led us to this place- the threshold of
divorce; the death of our beautiful baby boy.
The night he left, I remember sitting at the dining table
thinking about how much he had changed. About how in the 3years we’d been
married or in the 2years we’d dated I’d never seen this side of my husband. It’d
been 8months since we lost our son and I still didn’t know what my husband was
thinking or how he was feeling; in all that time I’d tried to reach out to him,
but he treated me like the enemy, like it was my fault our little boy was gone.
I knew I couldn’t stop trying, so I walked up to where he sat on the couch and
stroked his head, like I used to do when we first got married.
“Hey baby, how are you doing?”
He looked at me with so much irritation I physically
withdrew. This was not my husband; this was not the man I married.
“Nnena, you keep asking me that question like you
actually expect to hear anything different from what I’ve been telling you.”
“You say you are fine, but I know....”
“Has it not occurred to you that after everything that’s
happened you are the last person I would want to talk to?”
Tears welled up in my eyes
“What can I do? What do you want me to do?”
Turning away from me
“Nothing. The truth is I just can’t do this anymore”
My heart rate increased
“You can’t do what anymore?”
Just like that, in just a few words the love of my life
placed the final brick on the wall that he’d been building between us. He
wanted a divorce.
It’s been 4months since that night, now he sits here,
telling me he’s had a change of heart and wants me back? He must be having a
laugh. Maybe he started weeding when he left, or maybe crack cocaine, or maybe.....
“Eyamba”
There he goes again. Eyamba is my middle name; he’s the
only one that calls me that.
“Don’t call me that. You lost the right to call me Eyamba
the day you decided to stop fighting for our marriage”
I regretted the words the moment they came out of my
mouth.
“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to sound so...”
“No, no, no you are right. I gave up that right when I
gave up on you- on us. Please give me another chance. That’s all I ask, just 1
more chance”
I don’t want a divorce, but I also don’t want the
constant insecurity that comes with not knowing if he will throw me off the ship
again when the next storm comes. I know I have to take all these fears and
insecurities to God while my husband’s actions prove that I can trust him to
stick around no matter what comes our way.
Extending my hand across the table to shake his over the
untouched platter of chicken wings he’d ordered, his audible sigh of relief brought
a half smile to my face.
“We’ll see how it goes”
***************
During the interview Dr Rainey talked about how one of
the major causes of separation and divorce is emotional abandonment caused by
the emotional trauma faced as a result of losing a child or having a mentally/
physically challenged child. He emphasised that instead of using the opportunity
to grow stronger as a couple and face the challenge together, one (or both
parties) begins to build an impenetrable brick wall leaving their spouse on the
outside. It reminded me of the Tyler Perry
movie “Why did I get
married too”. I’m reminded of the character Patricia, played by Janet Jackson
who lost her son and ultimately lost her marriage because she couldn’t cope
with the grief and basically shut her husband out. What I find particularly
heartbreaking is that more often than not the couple doesn’t even realise they
are dancing to the tune of the devil, who is trying his best in these last few
days to destroy as many families and marriages as he can in what little time he
has left.
Grief is indeed a very powerful emotion, but like every
other feeling- it can lie and often does; painting your ally as your foe. The
bible tells us to be watchful and vigilant so my advice would be to nip the
situation in the bud before it explods, but even if it does we serve a
faithful God who is able to restore all that has been stolen from us – or that
we have thrown away.
Snooping around on Dr Rainey’s website, I stumbled on other
causes of emotional abandonment:
Unforgiveness: Emotional abandonment is unforgiveness taken to its
extreme conclusion. When we feel that our spouse has hurt us and we refuse to
forgive them, we look for ways to protect ourselves from being hurt again in
the future.
Callous treatment: When I am careless in how I treat my spouse, it creates
hurt that may start out small, but can grow into deep wounds as it festers over
time.
Lack of effort: Sometimes the problem is a little less obvious than
unforgiveness or harsh treatment. It is easy, especially for men, to just
assume that the relationship is going along just fine, and so don't put in as much
effort as they once did, and start to take their spouse for granted, leading
them to think that they are not important in their lives.
Lack of time: Many of us simply try to pack too much into a day.
Ruled by the urgent, we fail to make time for the truly important: things like
romancing, talking about issues and really developing a friendship with our
spouse. We stay constantly busy, erasing quality "couple times" from
our schedules.
Fear of talking through
issues: Emotional
detachment does not just happen out of the blue; there is always something
behind it. If one or both of the spouses has an inability or fear of talking
through the issues in their relationship, then this kind of disconnect will be
the likely result.
Source: Emotional Abandonment: When Your Spouse Shuts You Out
Suggestions he
made about resolution and restoration:
Agree to talk
Be prepared: Before you have the talk, take the time separately to
think through the unresolved issues that you'll be discussing
Be direct but gentle
Begin to meet unmet needs: Often a person pulls back from the relationship
because, in their mind, their needs are not being met. A healthy marriage
demands that both partners actively work to discern the needs of their spouse,
and work to meet those needs. Seek to understand your spouse's needs and ask
yourself how you can start to better express love by meeting these needs. Make
your spouse and sorting things out your new priority.
Deal with your own stuff: If I am feeling abandoned by my spouse, I need to ask
myself a tough question: What have I done to drive my spouse away? Now it may
not be only your responsibility. Nevertheless, you have to find out what you
are responsible for and take ownership for your actions
Intentionally re-engage: If you are to re-establish your emotional connection,
it won't happen by accident and it won't happen overnight. You need to agree to
make your relationship a priority and spend some quality time together.
Act kindly: Small gestures of warmth, acts of kindness, and efforts
to rekindle the romance between you will go a long way toward renewing your
bond with one another.
Love unconditionally: You cannot control your spouse's behaviour, but you can
control your own. Regardless of how your spouse responds, you must choose to
treat them with love. This is not easy to do when your partner is not
reciprocating, but it is what you vowed to do when you promised to love each
other "for better or for worse." And nothing breaks down emotional
barriers like unconditional love.
Allow God to work: I'm going to challenge you to ask God to change you.
God wants your best and He'll always be ready to take full responsibility for
any life that is totally surrendered to Him. That also includes re-engaging
with your spouse and getting attached in love again. God wants that and He will
guide you in that, if you'll allow Him to.
