Knock, knock please let me in!!!!

“Eyamba?”

I didn’t respond. I wanted to scream, hit him – anything to dispel the raging emotions I was feeling. How could he come back after all this time and ask this of me. Just when I was picking up the pieces of my broken heart, just as I was getting my life back on track. In that moment I considered all the hurtful things I could say to him - to give him a taste of how I felt and what I thought of him and his stupid request. In a flash my mind went over the course of events that had led us to this place- the threshold of divorce; the death of our beautiful baby boy.

The night he left, I remember sitting at the dining table thinking about how much he had changed. About how in the 3years we’d been married or in the 2years we’d dated I’d never seen this side of my husband. It’d been 8months since we lost our son and I still didn’t know what my husband was thinking or how he was feeling; in all that time I’d tried to reach out to him, but he treated me like the enemy, like it was my fault our little boy was gone. I knew I couldn’t stop trying, so I walked up to where he sat on the couch and stroked his head, like I used to do when we first got married.

“Hey baby, how are you doing?”

He looked at me with so much irritation I physically withdrew. This was not my husband; this was not the man I married.

“Nnena, you keep asking me that question like you actually expect to hear anything different from what I’ve been telling you.”

“You say you are fine, but I know....”

“Has it not occurred to you that after everything that’s happened you are the last person I would want to talk to?”

Tears welled up in my eyes

“What can I do? What do you want me to do?”

Turning away from me

“Nothing. The truth is I just can’t do this anymore”

My heart rate increased

“You can’t do what anymore?”

Just like that, in just a few words the love of my life placed the final brick on the wall that he’d been building between us. He wanted a divorce.

It’s been 4months since that night, now he sits here, telling me he’s had a change of heart and wants me back? He must be having a laugh. Maybe he started weeding when he left, or maybe crack cocaine, or maybe.....

“Eyamba”

There he goes again. Eyamba is my middle name; he’s the only one that calls me that.

“Don’t call me that. You lost the right to call me Eyamba the day you decided to stop fighting for our marriage”

I regretted the words the moment they came out of my mouth.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to sound so...”

“No, no, no you are right. I gave up that right when I gave up on you- on us. Please give me another chance. That’s all I ask, just 1 more chance”

I don’t want a divorce, but I also don’t want the constant insecurity that comes with not knowing if he will throw me off the ship again when the next storm comes. I know I have to take all these fears and insecurities to God while my husband’s actions prove that I can trust him to stick around no matter what comes our way.

Extending my hand across the table to shake his over the untouched platter of chicken wings he’d ordered, his audible sigh of relief brought a half smile to my face.

“We’ll see how it goes”

***************

This story was inspired by a “Focus on the Family” show I heard on the radio as I drove to work today. The host interviewed Dr Dennis Rainey who talked about his book Building Your Mates Self- Esteem.  

During the interview Dr Rainey talked about how one of the major causes of separation and divorce is emotional abandonment caused by the emotional trauma faced as a result of losing a child or having a mentally/ physically challenged child. He emphasised that instead of using the opportunity to grow stronger as a couple and face the challenge together, one (or both parties) begins to build an impenetrable brick wall leaving their spouse on the outside. It reminded me of the Tyler Perry movie “Why did I get married too”. I’m reminded of the character Patricia, played by Janet Jackson who lost her son and ultimately lost her marriage because she couldn’t cope with the grief and basically shut her husband out. What I find particularly heartbreaking is that more often than not the couple doesn’t even realise they are dancing to the tune of the devil, who is trying his best in these last few days to destroy as many families and marriages as he can in what little time he has left.

Grief is indeed a very powerful emotion, but like every other feeling- it can lie and often does; painting your ally as your foe. The bible tells us to be watchful and vigilant so my advice would be to nip the situation in the bud before it explods, but even if it does we serve a faithful God who is able to restore all that has been stolen from us – or that we have thrown away.

Snooping around on Dr Rainey’s website, I stumbled on other causes of emotional abandonment:

Unforgiveness: Emotional abandonment is unforgiveness taken to its extreme conclusion. When we feel that our spouse has hurt us and we refuse to forgive them, we look for ways to protect ourselves from being hurt again in the future.

Callous treatment: When I am careless in how I treat my spouse, it creates hurt that may start out small, but can grow into deep wounds as it festers over time. 

Lack of effort: Sometimes the problem is a little less obvious than unforgiveness or harsh treatment. It is easy, especially for men, to just assume that the relationship is going along just fine, and so don't put in as much effort as they once did, and start to take their spouse for granted, leading them to think that they are not important in their lives.

Lack of time: Many of us simply try to pack too much into a day. Ruled by the urgent, we fail to make time for the truly important: things like romancing, talking about issues and really developing a friendship with our spouse. We stay constantly busy, erasing quality "couple times" from our schedules.

Fear of talking through issues: Emotional detachment does not just happen out of the blue; there is always something behind it. If one or both of the spouses has an inability or fear of talking through the issues in their relationship, then this kind of disconnect will be the likely result.

Source: Emotional Abandonment: When Your Spouse Shuts You Out

Suggestions he made about resolution and restoration:

 Agree to talk

Be prepared: Before you have the talk, take the time separately to think through the unresolved issues that you'll be discussing

Be direct but gentle

Begin to meet unmet needs: Often a person pulls back from the relationship because, in their mind, their needs are not being met. A healthy marriage demands that both partners actively work to discern the needs of their spouse, and work to meet those needs. Seek to understand your spouse's needs and ask yourself how you can start to better express love by meeting these needs. Make your spouse and sorting things out your new priority.

Deal with your own stuff: If I am feeling abandoned by my spouse, I need to ask myself a tough question: What have I done to drive my spouse away? Now it may not be only your responsibility. Nevertheless, you have to find out what you are responsible for and take ownership for your actions

Intentionally re-engage: If you are to re-establish your emotional connection, it won't happen by accident and it won't happen overnight. You need to agree to make your relationship a priority and spend some quality time together.

Act kindly: Small gestures of warmth, acts of kindness, and efforts to rekindle the romance between you will go a long way toward renewing your bond with one another.

Love unconditionally: You cannot control your spouse's behaviour, but you can control your own. Regardless of how your spouse responds, you must choose to treat them with love. This is not easy to do when your partner is not reciprocating, but it is what you vowed to do when you promised to love each other "for better or for worse." And nothing breaks down emotional barriers like unconditional love.

Allow God to work: I'm going to challenge you to ask God to change you. God wants your best and He'll always be ready to take full responsibility for any life that is totally surrendered to Him. That also includes re-engaging with your spouse and getting attached in love again. God wants that and He will guide you in that, if you'll allow Him to.

Source:  Nine Steps to Defeat Isolation in Your Marriage

 

Spirit breakout: Daddy's little princess

For as long as I can remember, my dad had always been my best friend.  I’d always been ‘daddy’s little princess’, and he was my hero and my number one fan.

I remember quite vividly the day all that changed. I’d been upset daddy had come home slightly earlier than usual, because that meant I wouldn’t be able to surprise him with the jelly I’d made him which wouldn’t be set for another 2 or so hours. Regardless, I excitedly ran to the door to give him a hug and a kiss as was our ritual. I sensed something was wrong when he didn’t pick me up and spin me around like he always did. I was horrified that he somehow sensed I may have been upset about his coming home early, so I tried to cheer him up by telling him how much I loved him, but He didn’t respond, he didn’t even smile at me.  That day was the first of so many times he looked at me with something I didn’t quite understand then, but which my now adult mind would have recognised as hatred and disgust.

Daddy never smiled at me again. No matter how hard I tried to please him nothing I did was ever good enough for him. Gone were the words of encouragement he used to shower me with. Still, nothing could have prepared me for what happened the day mummy died. I received no comfort from my father when he told me my mum was involved in a fatal car accident, instead I was shipped off to live with her younger sister. How does a 10year old girl deal with the news her mother just died and that her father was rejecting her- sending her away because the only reason he kept her around was now dead. The last time I saw my dad was the day of the funeral. I’d tried to get his attention, but he wouldn’t even look at me.

But that was 15years ago. Now as I finish of what’s left of the box of crunchy nut cornflakes, I’m confused as to why my best friend just doesn’t get that I cannot accept love from the man who abandoned me when I needed him most. I couldn’t wrap my mind around it then, and in many ways I still can’t. How do you just stop loving someone? How could the man who called me his little princess, who promised to always be there for me, just stop loving me?

 “Fope, you aren’t getting what I’m saying. I’ve honestly completely forgiven him, I have nothing against him. The way I see it, it’s ridiculous to be angry at someone just because they don’t love you”

“Ruth if you really have forgiven him why won’t.....”

Throwing my hands up in the air, and almost knocking the box of cereal over.

“We’ve been through this a million times, and frankly I don’t think I want to discuss it anymore! Forgiving is easy. Forgetting? Not so much. I just can’t.......”

“Can’t or won’t?”

Her words stung, maybe because I knew they were true. For the longest time I’d dreamed of my dad realising the error of his ways and coming back with his tail between his legs, but now that it was finally happening, I didn’t want it. And she was right, I hadn’t made much of an effort to look past the hurt, I unconsciously decided I wouldn’t make things easy for him. I wanted him to have a taste of the pain and rejection he subjected me to.

My best friend pulled me into a warm hug as I tried to fight back the tears that threatened to flow.

“He sent me away Fope. In the blink of an eye his love turned to hatred, how do you just stop loving someone? And now I’m magically supposed to accept that love – a love that is here today and gone tomorrow? I’m sorry, I just can’t trust that love of his. If it’s the same love of 15years ago that he wants to give me I can tell you right now that I don’t want it. I just ca...”

“Enough with the you can’t this, you can’t that. I’m not trying to justify what he’s done, but put yourself in his shoes, and imagine how he must have felt when he found out that you were the product of his wife’s infidelity. A constant reminder of what ultimately led to the breakdown of his marriage. He was wrong to treat you the way he did, but you of all people know hurt people hurt people”

Pulling away.

“He built a wall, and shut me out. He can’t waltz back into my life 15years later because he is terminally ill and suddenly realises he got it wrong all those years ago, and that I am actually his daughter. What if next week another report comes out saying I’m not really his daughter? Will he still love me then? I forgive him, but his love means nothing to me. I don’t trust it to always be there, so I can’t accept it.”

“Do you love him?”

Her question threw me off guard. All these years I’d concentrated on how much he didn’t love me, never once did I ever consider how I felt about him.

“Madam the issue here is that I just don’t trust him, it’s not about me or how.....”

“Well maybe it should be about you. What do you think love is? And that’s not a rhetorical question”

I shook my head violently, this definitely wasn’t one of the times I wanted the Holy Spirit all up in my head. But the harder I shook my head, the clearer 1Cor 13:7 “Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres”, was impressed in my heart. Right then, I broke down and started crying. My friend held me tightly in her arms as I cried the tears I’d refused to cry for many years, the tears I’d told myself my father didn’t deserve. But God was not done with me yet. Fope told me something that shook my whole belief system to its very core.

“He doesn’t know you are his daughter”

I froze. She continued.

She told me how his daughter Sheni had found among his things the unopened result of the paternity test my mother had tried to use to prove that I was his daughter and how for some inexplicable reason Sheni hadn't yet shared her discovery with him. I don’t know which shook me more, the fact that he could so easily throw me away without having concrete proof that I wasn't his daughter, or the fact that he wanted a relationship with me now regardless.

“Ruth no one is asking you to allow things go back to the way they were. That’s impossible. He realises that his actions had consequences. He knows he has to work to earn the trust he destroyed all those years ago. All he needs from you is an opportunity to prove himself. No one expects anything to happen overnight, but I believe you both will come out stronger”

I wasn’t in the mood for her Christianese, but I knew my friend was right. Sigh. She’s always right. Sinking deeper into her arms I knew what I had to do. Tomorrow I would go to the hospital to see the man who had abandoned me 15years ago. I was willing to take things one day at a time, not because I believed he deserved it, but because I love him- and that’s what love does. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.