Never Ever!

Hebrews 13:5b 'because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” 

I caught the last few minutes of Focus on the family on my way to work yesterday, and boy I’m sure glad I did! The guest speaker was Pastor Brady Boyd who is a senior pastor at New life church. He shared a very powerful story about being bullied as a kid. It all began when he was asked to replace an older boy in the high school baseball team (who was kicked off for unruly behaviour). Pastor Brady’s team mates must have been unhappy with that so they decided to ‘teach him a lesson’. One day after practice, when the coach was nowhere in sight, his team mates grabbed him, tied his hands, tied a rope round his neck and dragged him around the baseball field. By the time they let him go you can only imagine how bruised and bleeding his neck was.

He described his dad as a ‘big guy’ who had taught him to defend himself, but he felt powerless to do so in the situation he found himself in. He mentioned being overcome by shame for his inability to defend himself, so attempted to hide the bruises from his family. Luckily his brother saw it and reported the incident to his father, who promptly asked for an explanation. His father told him not to go to school the following morning that he would go instead. Later the next day his father came home and informed him that he could go to school. Pastor Brady said he was never ever bullied again and everybody (including teachers) was extra nice to him till he graduated. He said he never found out what his father said or did that resulted in such a drastic change, but from that day on he felt like his father was ALWAYS with him. That statement absolutely blew my mind! If he can feel that way about his father who did that one thing for him, then what about God who does much more for us each and every day?

The bible tells us in Isaiah 49:15-16 [And the Lord answered] Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? Yes, they may forget, yet I will not forget you. Behold, I have indelibly imprinted (tattooed a picture of) you on the palm of each of My hands; [O Zion] your walls are continually before Me, that God is willing and able to do much more for us than those who claim to love us most.

The bible is full of promises from God about Him NEVER EVER leaving us.

Deuteronomy 31:6 “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Deuteronomy 31:8 “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Joshua 1:5 “No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.” 

Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

1Chronicles 28:20 David also said to Solomon his son, “Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the Lord is finished. 

Matthew 28:20 ”and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

So why do we feel lonely? Why do we feel abandoned? If Pastor Brady could always feel the presence of an absent father then why can’t we feel the presence of God who IS ALWAYS with us? Do we even believe God when He says He is ALWAYS with us?

I think as humans we automatically assume that God always being with us means that we will never suffer or have to go through trying times- but that’s not the case. Isaiah 43:3 “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned or scorched, nor will the flame kindle upon you” tells us that Gods presence is a guarantee that when we go through these trials we will come out victorious and not a guarantee that we will not go through trials.

He is always there, you may not see or feel Him- but just believe that He is there, because He is.

Related articles: The Never-forsaking God

A friend loves at all times.

So you know how I hardly delete emails? Well the poem I’ve written below was one I sent someone in 2010 (or was it 2011?). I found it a few weeks ago while organising my inbox and it got me thinking about friends and friendship. I decided then that I’d write a post about friendship at some point, and today presented a wonderful opportunity. As is our custom, my colleagues and I had a heated conversation during lunch about....yes you guessed it “Friendship”.

The conversation centred on what you wouldn’t do around your spouse and it got me thinking about the concept of your spouse as your best friend. A concept I realise that a lot of people do not fully understand. I do not claim to fully understand it either and maybe I’m being idealistic about believing that I should be able to share everything with my spouse and he should be able to share everything with me. If my spouse is my best friend, then there shouldn’t be another person on earth that is privy to information or knows a side of me that he doesn’t, and I expect it to be the same for him as well. I realise that this might be the ideal situation, but it’s not always the case especially when you are not unconditionally accepted by your spouse. I read an article a few weeks ago that stated unconditional acceptance as one of the 5 traits of a true Christian friend, and quoted Proverbs 17:17 “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” as the scripture reference. In the absence of unconditional acceptance I find that people are not as relaxed and as open as they should be for fear of rejection.

During the conversation, a colleague made a statement that’s still ringing in my head, she said ‘you chose to be or stop being a friend’. That statement came at a time when I’m learning that all of life is based on choice- you chose to react a certain way to situations within or beyond your control, and friendship is no exception. You chose to be a friend and you chose to stop being a friend.

They say some people come into our lives for a season and others for a reason, but our spouses are not one of the season type people. Friendships do not build and maintain themselves, like everything else they require effort from us. Is your friendship with your spouse a priority to you, or are you investing more in friendships with your guys or your girls?

To my husband, “My brother, my best friend, we’ll be friends forever not because of chance, but because we chose to be everyday of our lives” and to all my friends “Though you do not compare to the love of my life, I am grateful to God for you - you are loved and deeply cherished, I chose you too”

 Oh, the comfort

The inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person,

Having neither to weigh thoughts,

Nor measure words- but pouring them

All right out- just as they are
Chaff and grain together

Certain that a faithful hand will take a sift them

Keep what is worth keeping

And with the breath of kindness

Blow the rest away

By Dinah Mulock

Just like the Dead Sea?

A dear friend once told me during a very difficult period in my life that my area of trials is my area of ministry- words which God has proven to be very true over the last few months. More than using our experiences to build others up, God also uses those experiences to build us up. Last week Monday and Friday, I had a series of conversations with a young lady about similar trials we are currently facing. She seemed really down so I attempted to encourage her from my reserve tank of hope, even though I wasn’t feeling too peachy. At the end of the conversation, not only was her spirit lifted, but mine was tremendously lifted as well.

I’d given, but God had replenished more than what I’d given, by using the words He spoke through me to remind me of His faithfulness. I could have wallowed in self pity and we could both have had ourselves a nice pity party talking about how depressed we felt, but instead we both left that conversation with strengthened faith and a renewed sense of hope and trust in what God had said about our various situations.

I’d searched for inspiration to write a story that aptly illustrates the point I’m trying to make, but God felt that something more real would get the point across, so He suggested using the Dead Sea to illustrate my point.

The Dead Sea is one of the most salty bodies of water. The reason for the saltiness is that the Dead Sea has one main body of water flowing into it, and is landlocked on every other side – meaning the water has nowhere to go once it arrives at the Dead Sea. The only way water can leave is through evaporation, but as the water evaporates, the salt that was in the water stays behind, adding to the already enormous amount of salt in the water.

This saltiness is also the reason the sea does not support life. The high salt content causes osmosis to occur, literally drawing water (life) out of fish, thus killing it.

Humans can float very easily in the Dead Sea; however swimming is a different matter. It’s easier to swim in a swimming pool or even the ocean than it is to swim in the Dead Sea. This is because the salt content in the water makes it much heavier than any other body of water on Earth. This heaviness pushes anything that enters it up to the surface, making deep sea diving impossible– the water is just too heavy.

The Dead Sea may not be able to survive for very much longer, because the sea is simply not getting the same amount of water it used to. This is because people have built pipelines that have redirected the water that would once flow to the Dead Sea from the Jordan River; the body of water that gives the Dead Sea most of its water, and forced it to go to other areas. 

How does this apply to us as individuals?

Look at yourself as a sea that gets “poured” into. God expects what He has poured into us to flow out in a manner that blesses others, which could be through our testimonies, words of encouragement, acts of kindness, generosity and show of love, e.t.c.

The default nature of man is “self concern”, with our default language being “I, me, my”. We seek to first be loved before we love. To first be made happy before we make someone else happy. To first be encouraged before we encourage. To first be fulfilled before we fulfil someone else. We want God to do something first before we praise Him. If proper care is not taken, we become like the Dead Sea that keeps taking (both from God and from individuals) without giving out.

God intends for us to be blessings to everyone else. Using my experience again as an example, I could very well have refused to encourage the lady I had the conversation with because I wasn’t in a great place either. I could have had the mindset that how about she encourage me first or maybe waited for someone else to come and make me feel better before I attempted to make her feel better, but somehow I know that if that’s what I had done I wouldn’t have felt as lifted as I did. There was a sense of fulfilment that came from positively impacting someone else’s life as well as the fact that the words that God spoke to her through me reminded me of God’s faithfulness in my life.

How does this apply to marriage/ relationships?

Suzy complains that her husband doesn’t love her and she is unhappy in their marriage. She believes that if only he does this and that for her or changes in this way and that way to suit her needs, then she’d be happy. And so he does - He made the changes she demanded and started doing all she requested, but she still wasn’t happy, neither was she satisfied. Why? Well because:

1. Self Concern (Selfishness and self centeredness)

She cannot be happy in a relationship where the other party isn’t happy? Love by definition is selfless. Like the Dead Sea that sucks the water out of fish, love cannot thrive in a relationship where the life is being sucked out of her partner by her taking and demanding, then taking some more- without giving anything in return.

2. Toxic emotions

Just as the Dead Sea cannot sustain life due to its high salt content, love cannot thrive in an environment where there is a high concentration of toxic emotions like anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, discrimination, e.t.c?

And just as the saltiness of the Dead Sea does not allow deep sea diving, these toxic emotions do now allow for ‘deep’ intimacy within a relationship.

Related article: From Malice to Mercy

The Consequences?

If this pattern of selfishness and self centeredness is allowed to continue, then like the Dead Sea it will get to the point where nothing is ‘poured’ into you because nothing is coming out of you. Pipes will be built to divert the “water” – love, happiness, fulfilment, prosperity e.t.c to more fruitful/ profitable/ beneficial “Seas”.

God is not wasteful, if you are not “pouring out”, He just might use someone else who will.

Knock, knock please let me in!!!!

“Eyamba?”

I didn’t respond. I wanted to scream, hit him – anything to dispel the raging emotions I was feeling. How could he come back after all this time and ask this of me. Just when I was picking up the pieces of my broken heart, just as I was getting my life back on track. In that moment I considered all the hurtful things I could say to him - to give him a taste of how I felt and what I thought of him and his stupid request. In a flash my mind went over the course of events that had led us to this place- the threshold of divorce; the death of our beautiful baby boy.

The night he left, I remember sitting at the dining table thinking about how much he had changed. About how in the 3years we’d been married or in the 2years we’d dated I’d never seen this side of my husband. It’d been 8months since we lost our son and I still didn’t know what my husband was thinking or how he was feeling; in all that time I’d tried to reach out to him, but he treated me like the enemy, like it was my fault our little boy was gone. I knew I couldn’t stop trying, so I walked up to where he sat on the couch and stroked his head, like I used to do when we first got married.

“Hey baby, how are you doing?”

He looked at me with so much irritation I physically withdrew. This was not my husband; this was not the man I married.

“Nnena, you keep asking me that question like you actually expect to hear anything different from what I’ve been telling you.”

“You say you are fine, but I know....”

“Has it not occurred to you that after everything that’s happened you are the last person I would want to talk to?”

Tears welled up in my eyes

“What can I do? What do you want me to do?”

Turning away from me

“Nothing. The truth is I just can’t do this anymore”

My heart rate increased

“You can’t do what anymore?”

Just like that, in just a few words the love of my life placed the final brick on the wall that he’d been building between us. He wanted a divorce.

It’s been 4months since that night, now he sits here, telling me he’s had a change of heart and wants me back? He must be having a laugh. Maybe he started weeding when he left, or maybe crack cocaine, or maybe.....

“Eyamba”

There he goes again. Eyamba is my middle name; he’s the only one that calls me that.

“Don’t call me that. You lost the right to call me Eyamba the day you decided to stop fighting for our marriage”

I regretted the words the moment they came out of my mouth.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to sound so...”

“No, no, no you are right. I gave up that right when I gave up on you- on us. Please give me another chance. That’s all I ask, just 1 more chance”

I don’t want a divorce, but I also don’t want the constant insecurity that comes with not knowing if he will throw me off the ship again when the next storm comes. I know I have to take all these fears and insecurities to God while my husband’s actions prove that I can trust him to stick around no matter what comes our way.

Extending my hand across the table to shake his over the untouched platter of chicken wings he’d ordered, his audible sigh of relief brought a half smile to my face.

“We’ll see how it goes”

***************

This story was inspired by a “Focus on the Family” show I heard on the radio as I drove to work today. The host interviewed Dr Dennis Rainey who talked about his book Building Your Mates Self- Esteem.  

During the interview Dr Rainey talked about how one of the major causes of separation and divorce is emotional abandonment caused by the emotional trauma faced as a result of losing a child or having a mentally/ physically challenged child. He emphasised that instead of using the opportunity to grow stronger as a couple and face the challenge together, one (or both parties) begins to build an impenetrable brick wall leaving their spouse on the outside. It reminded me of the Tyler Perry movie “Why did I get married too”. I’m reminded of the character Patricia, played by Janet Jackson who lost her son and ultimately lost her marriage because she couldn’t cope with the grief and basically shut her husband out. What I find particularly heartbreaking is that more often than not the couple doesn’t even realise they are dancing to the tune of the devil, who is trying his best in these last few days to destroy as many families and marriages as he can in what little time he has left.

Grief is indeed a very powerful emotion, but like every other feeling- it can lie and often does; painting your ally as your foe. The bible tells us to be watchful and vigilant so my advice would be to nip the situation in the bud before it explods, but even if it does we serve a faithful God who is able to restore all that has been stolen from us – or that we have thrown away.

Snooping around on Dr Rainey’s website, I stumbled on other causes of emotional abandonment:

Unforgiveness: Emotional abandonment is unforgiveness taken to its extreme conclusion. When we feel that our spouse has hurt us and we refuse to forgive them, we look for ways to protect ourselves from being hurt again in the future.

Callous treatment: When I am careless in how I treat my spouse, it creates hurt that may start out small, but can grow into deep wounds as it festers over time. 

Lack of effort: Sometimes the problem is a little less obvious than unforgiveness or harsh treatment. It is easy, especially for men, to just assume that the relationship is going along just fine, and so don't put in as much effort as they once did, and start to take their spouse for granted, leading them to think that they are not important in their lives.

Lack of time: Many of us simply try to pack too much into a day. Ruled by the urgent, we fail to make time for the truly important: things like romancing, talking about issues and really developing a friendship with our spouse. We stay constantly busy, erasing quality "couple times" from our schedules.

Fear of talking through issues: Emotional detachment does not just happen out of the blue; there is always something behind it. If one or both of the spouses has an inability or fear of talking through the issues in their relationship, then this kind of disconnect will be the likely result.

Source: Emotional Abandonment: When Your Spouse Shuts You Out

Suggestions he made about resolution and restoration:

 Agree to talk

Be prepared: Before you have the talk, take the time separately to think through the unresolved issues that you'll be discussing

Be direct but gentle

Begin to meet unmet needs: Often a person pulls back from the relationship because, in their mind, their needs are not being met. A healthy marriage demands that both partners actively work to discern the needs of their spouse, and work to meet those needs. Seek to understand your spouse's needs and ask yourself how you can start to better express love by meeting these needs. Make your spouse and sorting things out your new priority.

Deal with your own stuff: If I am feeling abandoned by my spouse, I need to ask myself a tough question: What have I done to drive my spouse away? Now it may not be only your responsibility. Nevertheless, you have to find out what you are responsible for and take ownership for your actions

Intentionally re-engage: If you are to re-establish your emotional connection, it won't happen by accident and it won't happen overnight. You need to agree to make your relationship a priority and spend some quality time together.

Act kindly: Small gestures of warmth, acts of kindness, and efforts to rekindle the romance between you will go a long way toward renewing your bond with one another.

Love unconditionally: You cannot control your spouse's behaviour, but you can control your own. Regardless of how your spouse responds, you must choose to treat them with love. This is not easy to do when your partner is not reciprocating, but it is what you vowed to do when you promised to love each other "for better or for worse." And nothing breaks down emotional barriers like unconditional love.

Allow God to work: I'm going to challenge you to ask God to change you. God wants your best and He'll always be ready to take full responsibility for any life that is totally surrendered to Him. That also includes re-engaging with your spouse and getting attached in love again. God wants that and He will guide you in that, if you'll allow Him to.

Source:  Nine Steps to Defeat Isolation in Your Marriage

 

When friendship goes too far (Part 1)

I bumped into her in the cereal aisle; she was the same bubbly Bidemi that I remember from 2 years ago. We hugged. I wanted to move on as quickly as possible, but she wasn't having any of it.

“Wow, it’s really good to see you”

I tried to return her bright smile, but I was tired.

“How’ve you been? It’s really been ages”

“Yeah I know. I keep telling George that I really should pay you guys a visit sometime”

My ears twitched at the sound of my husband’s name, but I smiled like I knew what she was talking about- I wasn't even aware George had spoken to her recently.

“Hmmm yeah”

“I mean, only last week I suggested that we should all do something to celebrate his promotion at work. I even offered to take you guys to lunch or something, but he went on and on about how busy you are these days.”

I was speechless; I didn’t know my husband had been promoted.

“You must be really proud of him, and I know how unexpected it was given the issues he’s been having at work lately”

My head was spinning. George had been having issues at work? I wrapped the conversation up as quickly as I could; afraid that the longer I stayed there the easier it would be for her to realise that I was completely in the dark about all the things she was telling me about my husband. I abandoned the half full trolley and made my way to the car park, shopping would have to wait another few days. I sat in my car for at least 20 mins afraid to grip the staring wheel with my shaky hands.

George and I had been married for almost 2 years; most of that time had been less than pleasant. The honeymoon phase fizzled away quite quickly as we attempted to adjust to married life. I trusted George completely; I knew he would never cheat on me. Not because he loved me, but because he loved God. But this hurt. It hurt me more than it would have if I caught him in bed with another woman. How can my husband share such personal things with someone else?

**************

This story was inspired by a conversation my colleagues had during lunch yesterday. It was interesting to hear how most guys don’t understand why their wives have an issue with them forming close friendships with ex girlfriends or people of the opposite sex – a handful of the guys unfortunately put it down to a lack of trust by their wives.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying do not have friends of the opposite sex just because you are married or in a relationship, I’m just saying you and your friend should respect your relationship enough to set and maintain boundaries within the friendship that do not threaten the relationship with your spouse. The truth is that the devil is working overtime to destroy marriages and relationships. Why give him a chance? Is that friendship more important than what you have built or are trying to build with your spouse?

What exactly is Emotional Infidelity? 

In my opinion it’s when you form meaningful attachments with people other than your partner in ways that prevent your partner from having that deep emotional intimacy with you. It damages relationships because it is about “connection” which is what people want.  It usually stems from feeling emotionally distant from the “spouse who doesn’t understand you” or “who doesn’t appreciate you” making you more vulnerable to becoming emotionally attached to an idealized friend- you have allowed that person access to a part of you God intended for your spouse.

No one really starts out wanting to commit infidelity of any kind – sexual, emotional e.t.c, but without boundaries you are at risk for emotional infidelity, even if you have a solid relationship, because attention and affection from someone new always feels good.

How does it start?

• Spend plenty of time with a person of the opposite sex who is not your spouse
• Tell your life story to one another
• Share from deep in your heart, especially where your spouse misses your heart
• Share seemingly meaningful experiences together-achievement at work or ministry offers this
• Let yourself relax and enjoy the others presence
• And for good Christian measure, pray with the other person to deny your sexual attraction-heartfelt prayer is more intimate than sex in many ways and in this situation gives the illusion you are doing the 'right' thing.

Source: Marriage Restored

Can you prevent it from happening?

The bible tells us in 1Tessalonians 5:22 “Abstain from evil [shrink from it and keep aloof from it] in whatever form or whatever kind it may be” and 1Peter 5:8 “Be well balanced (temperate, sober of mind), be vigilant and cautious at all times; for that enemy of yours, the devil, roams around like a lion roaring [in fierce hunger], seeking someone to seize upon and devour.” As long as you set and maintain the boundaries around your primary relationship strong, you'll stay safely in love!

• First, guard your thoughts. How? Well, the Bible says in 2 Corinthians 10:5 that you are to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. This simply means you must take control of your thoughts!
•  Next, you must communicate to your spouse when you feel unappreciated. If there are deeper issues, seek Christian counselling.
• Set boundaries for interacting with the opposite sex.
• Divulge all opposite sex friendships to your spouse.
• Regularly seek ways to keep your relationship fresh and exciting.

Source: Christian Marriage Today

So ladies and gentlemen, guard your heart with all diligence for out of it flow the issues of life.

Related Article : The Emotional Affair: When Friendship Goes Too Far, When Friendship goes too far

The Very Inspiring Blogger Award

Pleasant surprise is an understatement! Words cannot describe how i felt when i found out the blog had been nominated for this award - lets just say it came and the right time and was a very big source of encouragement. God indeed deserves all the glory for this one. 

Thanks Watchman for the nomination, God bless you richly! I pray God continues to use you for His purpose. Blog on my brother! 


                                        

Below are the rules for the Very Inspiring Blog Award so please follow carefully:

1.  Display the award logo on your blog.
2.  Link back to the person who nominated you.
3.  State 7 things about yourself.
4.  Nominate 15 other bloggers for this award and link to them.
5.  Notify those bloggers of the nomination and the award’s requirements.

7 things about myself?

1. I LOVE God! lol and i often get very protective about Him. 

2.  I enjoy talking about God. I can literally to it all day long

3.  I know it goes without saying - I love to write. I express myself best through written words

4. I'm not perfect. *GASP! SHOCK HORROR!!* lol. Seriously though, I'm not perfect and I don't want to be because that would mean I wouldn't need Jesus, and truth be told I honestly CANNOT imagine my life without Him.

5.   I enjoy cooking and love baking especially

6.  I love spending time singing praises. Music is indeed a beautiful thing.

7. My favourite name for God is Agbani Lagbatan, which means "The One who delivers completely"

My Blog Nominations (I know 15 were requested but.....)

1. The Musings of a caramel Latte Addict

2. Light her lamp

3. The Watchman

4. Michelle Hammond's Blog

5. Inyamu's Eldorado