Bad things happen to everyone, good girls too (1)

Holding the glass of water in her right hand and the bag of pills in her left, she read through the suicide note she had written only a few minutes prior. As she walked slowly to the bed, she wished with all her might that no one would get home before she died.

*********

Nike was eight the first and last time she’d gone on holiday to the US with her family. She’d had so much fun she really wasn’t looking forward to returning home. On their last night, her uncle had organised a farewell dinner for her family, and invited the families of 3 of his closest friends. In those days, Nike wasn’t what you’d call shy, so it didn’t take her long to warm up to the guests.  

As she got to what she considered the best part of what must have been her 10^th story, it was time for 2 of the families to leave. Their kids hurriedly scrambled up the stairs to join their parents, while she frantically searched for her left slipper. By the time she found it, they were already making their way to the car park. She dashed up the stairs and was almost out the door when her little cousin who was seated on the floor behind the couch facing the TV, called out and asked her to help him buckle his sandals. She swiftly bent over to help. Half way through trying to buckle the 3^rd strap of his left sandal Nike felt something hard pressing against her backside. While still bent over her cousin, she peaked through the corner of her right eye and felt a wave of panic when she realised it was Mr Okoro, one of her uncle’s friends who was pressed up against her. She didn’t fully understand what was going on, but she knew whatever it was- it wasn’t right. By the time she hurriedly did up the remaining straps of her cousins’ sandals, Mr Okoro had started to rub her backside and tell her how beautiful she was. Without saying a word, Nike ran up to her room. She desperately tried to get the memory of what had just happened out of her mind, and ignore the voice that kept telling her bad things happen to bad girls. Since that was a bad thing, it must mean she was a bad girl. She couldn’t wait to go back home.

*********

Nike had always been a hugger, she knew it made her mum feel better –especially during the separation, and making people feel better made her feel good. On ‘that’ day, 4 years after the Mr Okoro incident, she’d come home earlier than normal to find her uncle crying while reading the piece of paper in his left hand.

Nike: Ahan, Uncle Bayo what’s wrong?

Startled, he hurriedly wiped his eyes.

Bayo: Nike what are you doing back from school so early?

Nike: Midterm break starts today, so its half day. Why were you crying?

Reaching out for Nike’s hand

Bayo: Nike, why don’t you give me one of those your famous hugs. You know the one’s you used to give your mum that always makes her feel better.

Nike settled into her uncle’s warm embrace- anything to cheer him up. However, she started to get uncomfortable when he began stroking her hair and his grip got a bit too tight. When he started breathing heavily, she was transported 4 years back. Yanking herself away, she ran up the stairs and couldn’t help but think- bad things happen to bad girls.

2 weeks later, while helping her mum out in the kitchen, she attempted to confide in her.

Nike: Mum, Uncle Bayo looks at me funny.

Sighing heavily

Mrs Majekodumi: Enough with your tales Nike! You are just like your father. It’s always one story or the other with you guys. I know you don’t like it that your father and i split up and we’ve had to move to a different state, but your step father is being very magnanimous having you stay here. He won’t appreciate your tall tales.

Nike: But mum, i’m not telling lies. I just wan......

Mrs Majekodumi: Enough! We’ll speak no more of this.

Speak no more about it they did, not even after the first time her uncle finally raped her, nor anytime in the 2 years period he had consistently been raping her, nor the time she walked funny because of his ‘experiments’ and gave the excuse that she had hurt her leg in physical sports education. After all, she told herself- bad things happen to bad girls.

                                           

**************

Nike pinched herself till she bled. That’s what you do when you want to wake up from a bad dream. She looked around and wondered why she was still in the doctor’s office- she was supposed to be awake. After the 2 slaps her mother had given her, she couldn’t even look at her for fear that she would receive a few more. The doctor had tried to calm the situation down, but how do you calm down a mother that has just been told her 14 year old daughter is pregnant and HIV positive? Nike said nothing, she didn’t even cry, not during the drive home while her mother heaped all sorts of curses and insults on her and certainly not when her mother didn’t care to listen when she tried to explain that Bayo, her precious husbands younger brother had repeatedly raped her daughter for the past 2 years, gotten her pregnant,  infected her with HIV and God knows what else.

Mrs Majekodumi: You are just like your father; Cheap and useless. I should have left you with him. You know your step father will not allow you to remain in that house, and truth be told i don’t blame him.

Pointing at Nike’s belly

Mrs Majekodumi: First of all you have to get rid of that thing you are carrying, no use bring a child into this world that is doomed to die, who do you expect to take care of it when you are dead sef?

*********

Holding the glass of water in her right hand and the bag of pills in her left, Nike read through the suicide note she had written only a few minutes prior. As she walked slowly to the bed, she wished with all her might that no one would get home before she died.

                                

To be continued........

Learning to communicate: When Your Spouse Won't Leave You Alone (3)

If you're feeling nagged to talk, you're probably feeling overwhelmed, too.

Avoidance may seem like the only solution for relief. This relief is only temporary, though, because it leaves your spouse without resolution—and often determined to try harder.

You may begin to feel like a trapped victim, at the mercy of your spouse's "need to talk." Worse yet, you may anticipate another session of having your shortcomings pointed out.

Avoidance doesn't work. But here are some suggestions if you're feeling cornered by a spouse who always seems to be asking, "Can we talk?"

1. Take the initiative to spend time doing things together other than talking.
2. Go to a Christian bookstore and buy a book about communication in marriage. Read from it aloud to your spouse and ask  questions about his/her reactions.
3. Share a chore, like doing the dishes. You may find yourself communicating during the dull moments.
4. When he/she's not expecting it, ask  what he/she really needs. Say, "How can I show you I love you?" or, "What would make your day easier?"
5. Put the newspaper away, neglect a hobby, or shut the TV off in order to spend time with your spouse.
6. Keep a sense of humor. Find cartoons about how different men and women are, and how they communicate. Make more fun of your own gender than the other person's.

These are all good things to do, but it's also important for you to ask for the peace and quiet you may need. Otherwise, you'll probably feel like a helpless victim of your mate's demands.

One way to do this is to set a specific time to talk. This should thrill your spouse, since it represents a commitment to communicate. The limits need to be spelled out, though, in order to avoid false expectations. Your spouse may be thinking of a marathon conversation, while you may dread anything longer than a TV sitcom.

Try 20 or 30 minutes to start. That's probably the most you'd want for a serious discussion. Pray at the beginning and the end if you like. Get a kitchen timer and stick to the limit. Promise not to run, but allow for a time-out if things get too intense.

What should you do during that time? Here are some ideas:

• Explore and discuss your needs for communication.
• Explore and discuss your needs for quiet or alone time.
• Explore and discuss your needs for outside friendships and recreation.
• Use "I" statements to convey feelings of being pressured, overwhelmed, or discouraged. This will help keep your spouse from feeling attacked. For example: "I feel hopeless when I hear 'We need to talk,' because it reminds me of my mom. She always used that phrase when I was in trouble." This is better than, "You're just like my mom!" The goal is for the speaker to feel heard and understood.
• If you need to take a time-out, be sure to schedule a reunion within 24 hours for further discussion. This gives both of you a sense of reassurance and safety.

by Romie Hurley

AN EXCELLENT WIFE IS FORGED, NOT FOUND

An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. – Proverbs 31:10

I often believe my husband has not found an excellent wife. When he tells me I have been short with him lately, overreacting and snapping unnecessarily, I am discouraged at my lack of excellence. Impatience and disrespect have brought embarrassment to him on several occasions.

My task-oriented, performance-driven heart attempts to fix itself by making a list: An excellent wife cooks with organic food (not Velveeta), sews her own clothing (or at least irons her husbands shirts!), speaks only words dripping with grace (and not sarcasm) and reads her Bible for hours on end (okay, minutes?!).

The list brings more condemnation; concrete evidence that I cannot be an excellent wife on my own.

FORGED NOT FOUND

While all of these things can be signs of excellence, they are definitely not requirements. Turning to Scripture for comfort and conviction, I am reminded: An excellent wife is not found but forged. No man goes out and finds a woman who is pure wife perfection and marries her. Neither of them truly know what that even looks like yet!  

“

It is the character of God, and not our husbands, that can be fully and firmly trusted. Our core identity must be anchored in Christ alone.

”

A godly woman becomes an excellent wife as she understands she is made in the image of God, re-made in the image of Christ, and formed over a lifetime of repentance and redemption. Excellence is not measured by a to-do list; it is manifested in the life of a wife who knows Jesus intimately.

BRINGING SHAME

An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones. – Proverbs 12:4

When I humbly and honestly assess the times I bring my husband shame, I am sobered by its destruction. To bring rottenness to his bones means mine are already disintegrating with unbelief and bitterness. We bring shame as wives when we:

1. Focus on our husband’s sin
2. Think our way is better, prioritizing ourselves over him
3. Speak harshly to him or derogatively about him to anyone 
4. Withhold blessing, prayer, sex, or encouragement of any sort in an effort to punish, manipulate, or “get the message across”

The wife who brings shame to her husband is the daughter who does not truly know and trust her heavenly Father.

If the wife’s identity is centered around her man, she will certainly deliver shame when he disappoints – as he will inevitably do. It is the character of God, and not our husbands, that can be fully and firmly trusted. Our core identity must be anchored in Christ alone.

MADE PRECIOUS BY JESUS

We are made precious by Jesus. This heart transformation is the basis for any preciousness that our husbands experience in us. It is not about what we do but what our precious Savior has done for us that graces us with the power to be excellent wives. We are helpless on our own.

“

Excellence is not measured by a to-do list; it is manifested in the life of a wife who knows Jesus intimately.

”

A godly wife understands that she is nothing outside of the saving grace of Jesus Christ and has no excellence apart from him. Christ’s grace and love are precious to her. Fueled by his riches, she will become a glorious crown to her husband as she helps, nurtures, and loves him from the depths of Christ’s righteousness in her.

It takes a 10-minute ceremony to become a wife. It takes a lifetime to become an excellent wife – one who understands that Christ’s shed blood on the cross is needed to offer excellence to our husbands.

by Jen Smidt

 

Learning to communicate: When Your Spouse Won't Talk (2)

Relating to each other is not a technique we're born with. It's like a muscle that needs to be developed over time—and massaged when it hurts.

If you have a spouse who doesn't want to talk as much as you do, the following suggestions may help:

1. Read about the differences between men and women, especially as they relate to communication. These differences are a mystery to almost everyone except God, but they may help to explain why your spouse tends to be the silent type.
2. Learn to not take things too personally.
3. Don't overanalyze your partner. You may think you know what's behind your spouse's unwillingness to talk, but you can't read his or her mind.
4. Talk about your feelings in a non-accusatory, non-blaming way. To do otherwise will only drive a reluctant talker further away, especially when it comes to discussing emotions.
5. Ask your spouse what would make him feel less overwhelmed when it comes to communication. Would it help if you set aside a regular time for talking? If you waited until he decompressed after work?
6. Ask your spouse for a specific, short commitment of time. Most reluctant talkers can handle a conversation if they know it won't last forever. Let your mate set the limit. You may find that it increases as he or she grows more comfortable.
7. Learn each other's personality type, and how it shapes communication style. Make the process fun—a discovery of your uniqueness, not an opportunity to stereotype each other.

One of the hardest things for couples to learn is to lay down their lives for each other (see John 15:13) in the mundane world of daily living (see Romans 12:1). Learning to understand the needs of a spouse who talks less or more than you do requires sacrifice. It means not demanding your rights, and loving another as you love yourself. But these are things we can do because God promises to help us by His Holy Spirit if we ask.

It's easy to get discouraged when all you hear from your spouse is silence. It may seem that things are hopeless, but you can gain new perspective through prayer, reading the Bible, or seeking counsel from a pastor or therapist.

by Romie Hurley 

Learning to Communicate: Miscommunication (1)

A Non Sequitur cartoon by Wiley Miller pictures a couple in bed. The wife has put down the book she's been reading and said something to her husband. Here's what he heard: "Time for the annual review of how you make my life a living nightmare."

All she actually said, though, is, "Sweetie, let's talk about us."

                                               

Why do some spouses—especially some husbands—seem to view communication as a form of torture?

Betsy is wondering about that. She's hurt that her husband, Carl, seems to have lost interest in her. She interprets his lack of communication as evidence that he doesn't love her. This puts her in a panic; she becomes needy and controlling, trying to force Carl to "talk about the problem." This creates more pressure for Carl, who retreats further.

Carl is overwhelmed by Betsy's need for conversation. It feels like a void that could never be filled. This is decreasing his desire to be intimate with her; he's finding excuses to avoid even spending time together. He'd rather hang out with friends who are less demanding.

When the person you married seems to change into someone else—as Betsy thinks Carl has—it's normal to feel disappointed and even hurt. She knows that part of this change is to be expected after settling into the day-to-day of married life, but she longs for that other guy—the before marriage one who couldn't seem to stop talking nor get enough of her. She was so excited back then, and believed it would go on forever. Now she feels duped.

Maybe you do, too. Maybe you fear your uncommunicative spouse isn't interested in you, isn't excited about you, or doesn't love you anymore. You might doubt that you married the right person—or feel inadequate, insecure, and desperate for attention.

When that happened to Betsy, she changed, too. Now Carl finds himself wondering what happened to the self-assured, strong woman he first fell in love with. He misses her.

Carl doesn't realize it, but Betsy has always had an unusual need for attention and communication. That's because she had a very stoic father whom she was never able to please. It's good to examine whether your need to talk is reasonable or the result of a troubled upbringing.

Most couples need help to discuss their needs in a productive way. Having different attitudes toward talking doesn't mean there is something wrong with either spouse, that anyone was deceived, or that the marriage is hopeless.

by Romie Hurley

Learning to Communicate

Communication, especially about my feelings is something that has never really come easy to me. This has affected the people in my life in different ways; some have been patient with me, while others have reacted in harsh ways that has hurt us both. I’m not perfect and I don’t wish I was (then I wouldn’t ‘need’ Christ), and if like me you have recognised your imperfection and want to take steps in addressing your communication challenges, you might find the 8 articles (from Focus on the Family) in the Learning to communicate series helpful.

Just a little encouragement- everyone grows/ improves/ develops at their own pace, let God be your motivation and strength. Commit all to Him - your fears, concerns and challenges and He’ll heal your heart and enable you to share and communicate in a way that glorifies Him. So don’t be discouraged - He’ll get you there.

May His word be lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path

Blessings

Psalm 40

Yesterday, driving home from church, tuned in to my favourite radio station and hoping to catch a ‘T.D Jakes’  ‘The Potters house’ message, I listened to the morning call in show to pass the time till ‘The Potters House’ message came on.  I think a lady had just gotten off the phone. It was her birthday and she’d been married for a long time (didn’t catch how long exactly), and had been trying for a child for almost as long to no avail. Her husband was giving her a tough time, and even though the day was still young, she had resigned herself to the fact that she wasn’t going to have a good birthday.

A guy called in with a word for her, saying the Spirit had impressed it on his heart to tell her to pray Psalm 40.

I wasn’t in the best of moods either, been stressed out and weighted down for a while, so didn’t think twice about praying it myself. It wasn’t instant relief, but I know I did feel a sense of comfort the first time I read/ prayed it.

Psalm 40

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
and put their trust in him.

4 Blessed is the one
who trusts in the Lord,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.

5 Many, Lord my God,
are the wonders you have done,
the things you planned for us.
None can compare with you;
were I to speak and tell of your deeds,
they would be too many to declare.

6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire—
but my ears you have opened—
burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.

7 Then I said, "Here I am, I have come—
it is written about me in the scroll.

8 I desire to do your will, my God;
your law is within my heart."

9 I proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips, Lord,
as you know.

10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help.
I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness
from the great assembly.

11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, Lord;
may your love and faithfulness always protect me.

12 For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.

13 Be pleased to save me, Lord;
come quickly, Lord, to help me.

14 May all who want to take my life
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.

15 May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!"
be appalled at their own shame.

16 But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who long for your saving help always say,
"The Lord is great!"

17 But as for me, I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
you are my God, do not delay.

The Power of a praying Woman

I’ve been putting off writing this particular post- well not ‘this’ one in particular, just one on prayer. I don’t know if any of you have ever felt like prayer was....well a bit difficult. For me, it was (and in some ways still is) - in the sense that I often found it hard to keep the momentum going. When I got into it, I really got into it, but when I wasn’t in that zone, it was definitely a big challenge.

I know prayer is a conversation with God. I know it’s not all about getting on your knees with your hand clasped in front of you, I know it can be done anywhere, anytime , I know, I know, I know - but all that ‘knowing’ didn’t help one bit.

I don’t know what your issue is, but in the past, I found that there had to be that challenging situation that would push me to prayer, and that drive would usually sustain me for a bit longer after the challenge/ situation had passed. Don’t get me wrong, I prayed - but just not at a level I thought I should be at based on how mature I’d become in my walk with Christ.

They say the first step to solving a problem is to actually identify what the problem is (that is, after you have admitted there’s one in the first place). Simply put, mine was laziness and indiscipline. I liked the 5mins here; 10mins there type of prayers, but found the longer more in-depth ones more challenging. I’d spend ages in praise because by His grace, that was one thing that came easy to me, and focused more on Him that it did me- and wow did/ do I have a lot to praise Him for! .....ok I digress.

I got myself ‘The Power of a praying Woman’ bible a while back,

and I must confess its fantastic! It’s blessed me in ways I cannot even begin to describe (and I haven’t even had it that long). So now dear friends, I invite you to take this journey with me, as I share resources and my experiences with you on my journey to a better and more healthy prayer life.

May His word be a lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path.

Blessings.