She's Worth it

“She’s worth it”..... those were the words my boss used to describe the ridiculous amount of money he just spent on an engagement ring (and that was after the 25% discount he got). I can tell you that I blushed on ‘her’ behalf- those are the words any girl would want to be described as by her significant other.

                                                

The conversation i had with him reminded me that even though we can be ‘worth it’ to someone today and ‘worthless’ to that same person tomorrow, our worth in God’s eyes NEVER changes. You and I are worth the life of His ONLY Son- we are worth the beating, the pain and suffering He endured.

The amazing thing is that we were worth all that even when we were at our worst- deep in our sin.

 If we are ‘worth it’ to God at all times, then we are worth it period!

Regardless of how that boss, that friend, that boyfriend, that husband....whoever it is makes you feel you are worth, remember that God says you ARE  ‘worth it’. If He says it then it MUST be true, because He gave the life of His Son for you.

                                  

Congratulations to my boss and his brand new wife to be.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

I am NOT my hair. I am NOT your expectation. I AM who God says i am.

I could hardly contain myself. I’d actually passed the test?! I still couldn’t believe it. I was sure- no, I was certain I’d flunked it. I literally screamed into the phone when i called my best friend of 20years to break the news.

“I got it! I got it! I got it! I go....”

“Hello to you too young lady”

I giggled nervously as I waited for her to ask the million dollar question.

“So what did we get madam?”

“Avinu just called me! I have an interview in a few days”

“Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Are you serious? But I thought you said...”

 “Yeah I thought I flunked it too, but I guess I didn’t. I could hardly believe it when the HR chic called me, I was tempted to tell her she made a mistake”

“Hmmmm”

“What?”

“Nothing. You really have to prep for the interview”

“I know. I’m gonna spend the next few days doing research and...”

“That’s not what I mean”

“oh?”

“Babe this is one of the most coveted positions of our generation Avinu is not one of the - but THE most desirable employer. You can’t afford to be anything less than what they expect. Apparently they have an ‘unwritten’ spec of the people they hire.”

“Hmmm”

“I was talking to Valerie from research, you remember her right? Anyway she said that her cousin applied 3years ago but didn’t get in because she didn’t meet their specs. Anyway, I’ll come over after work today and we’ll talk”

As I entered Avinu’s candidate waiting area I could tell that everyone else had gotten the ‘unwritten spec’ memo. I could even have sworn that I saw at least 3 other girls wearing outfits identical to mine. There was however one lady who stood out, she looked like ‘me a few days ago’. She had on an outfit similar to what I would probably have worn to this interview if Nnenna hadn’t intervened. I was still musing over her outfit when I got called for my ‘face to face’.

I could tell from the rapport I had with the head of the department that it went brilliantly. So imagine my shock when I got the ‘we are sorry email’. I really thought the job was mine. Even though it wasn’t popular practice and I fully expected to get brushed off, I went out on a limb and called the HR Rep, I was surprised that she agreed to speak to me. What she told me shocked me. Even though I was the most qualified in terms of education and work experience out of all the candidates they’d interviewed, I didn’t have the image they were looking for. They wanted someone ‘different’- the lady she thought I was during my telephone interview, not the member of the ‘unwritten spec’ posy she met during the ‘face to face’. I whispered a barely audible thank you as she advised me to apply again in 3years.

*****************

In May 2008 I cut my hair and went natural. I loved it! It felt like me. Which thinking about it now is strange because all through secondary school even though I had natural hair, I yearned for the relaxed tresses everyone else had- because that was the generally accepted perception of cool and sexy.

I didn’t face any opposition to my choice to go natural until I moved to Nigeria in 2010. I wasn’t surprised that there was opposition, what shocked me was its intensity. At a point it became a constant flow of rejection and criticism. A few people actually asked me if I was ‘SU’, others implied I wouldn’t find a husband as long as my hair was natural. I began to dread trips to the saloon because it meant I’d either have to endure people talking behind my back about the state of my hair or I’d receive a lecture about why I should relax it. I finally gave in to all the pressure in July 2010 and relaxed it. Since then I’ve harboured secret thoughts of going natural again.

A few months ago I saw pictures of the friend who started the natural hair journey with me and WOW! Is all I can say. Her hair looked wonderful, and I couldn’t help but think that would have been me too if I hadn’t succumbed to the pressure of changing to suit other peoples idea of how I should look.

So in August of this year, I cut my hair again. The criticism is back, if anything it’s worse than before. However, I’m not the same person I was in 2010. I’ve realised that a lot of those who try to shove their opinion down my throat actually believe they are doing it for my own good. They really do not have any ill intention. To them a woman’s glory is her nicely relaxed hair and her beauty is found in her made up face. This may be true for some people (and that’s ok for them), but it isn’t true for me.

There have been those who want me more extroverted while some think I’m too in your face.  Some want me to lose weight; others want me to gain some. It goes a lot further than my hair, or even my appearance. Everyone has an opinion, but at the end of the day it’s only Gods opinion that counts.

Imagine you buy a DVD player that in your opinion is identical to that of a close friend, only to get home and find out that it doesn’t play any of your DVDs. You call your friend, because well he has an identical one. Your friend advices you to do all sorts of things that don’t work. You try all the advice you find on Google. Still nothing works. After about 2 weeks you decide to check the operator’s manual and you find out that this particular DVD player was manufactured to play only Indonesian DVDs. When you tell your friend this, he gives you the contact details of a technician that can ‘fix’ it. You call the technician. He ‘fixes’ it. But the DVD player stops working within 7months. You call the technician again, who informs you there is nothing he can do as it’s the side effect of ‘fixing’. He says if you’d contacted the manufacturer initially they would have been able to help you and you wouldn’t have to buy a new one, like you have to do now.

Something similar happened to a friend of mine and got me thinking that as humans this is how we generally behave. We decide people/ things should be a certain way and try to hammer them into the mould we have carved out. We don’t ask God- the manufacturer what His intentions are for them or for ourselves. Usually due to the fear of rejection by others we try to conform to their blueprint of who they think we should be. The danger with that is we find it difficult to fulfil the purpose God intended for us. Like the young lady in the story who followed the well meaning intentioned advice of her friend and changed her appearance from who she was to who she thought the company wanted, and ended up having to wait 3years for another chance. A lot of times people give advice with the very best of intentions, but good intentions don’t mean God intentions. What God says about you should ALWAYs trump what everyone else says about you. It’s who God says you are that you are.

I remember a sermon I heard in which the Pastor was talking about how different he is from his brother. They are both Pastors but he is by far less out spoken and introverted than his brother- they are almost opposite both in appearance and personality. Yet are both doing fantastically well in their various ministries. There is no one size fits all coat that says to be successful in a chosen field you need to be like everyone else in that field.

We need to be who God made us to be and stop trying to be someone else. The first step to fulfilling your purpose is to know and be comfortable with who God says you are- regardless of what the crowd says. Only God can give you the image of who He has called you to be.

We're almost there....don't give up now

How time flies. I still remember January 01 2012, and now it’s December 03 2012. Praise God!!! When i think about how far He’s brought me, how different the girl who sits here typing is from the girl who saw January 1^st, i really can’t help but praise Him. The year started off slow, but in the blink of an eye went into overdrive towards the middle of the year, like it was trying to make up for my slacking off in its first few months – and now its December, the month of fruition.

A lot of us started the year with promises and prophesies, and those that didn’t picked them up as the months rolled by. Whichever category you fall into, you are now at the final stretch and your thoughts are probably running wild either because of impatience or because it doesn’t look like anything is going to happen anytime soon - Will He? When will He? How will He? For many of us this is indeed the 9^th month. We’ve been nursing our promises so far and are just about ready to give birth. I’d like to encourage you not to lose hope at this final lap. Oh the enemy will try, but remember that you are more than a conqueror. DO NOT let him steal your victory.

This devotional from “Power to change” encouraged me; I hope it does the same for you too.

The Ninth Month

Marilyn Ehle

“And he came to her and said, ‘Hail, O favored one [endued with grace]! The Lord is with you! Blessed (favored of God) are you before all other women!’” (Luke 1:28, The Amplified Bible)

Several theologians refer to something called our “baptized imaginations”. Simply put, it is described as allowing God’s Spirit to enliven the way we think about truth. There is no doubt that we believe in the virgin birth of Christ. But when we encourage our “baptized imaginations” to dwell on the realities of Mary’s pregnancy, we can imagine her ninth month of pregnancy.

Although called a “favored one,” Mary did not escape the difficulties of that month. Women who have experienced pregnancy know that physical exhaustion is a certainty in that final month. While going to the grocery store is difficult for modern women, think what it was like to carry water from the well in a stone jar. Backaches become 24-hour ordeals. One website encourages women to pamper themselves during this month. That was not culturally possible or practically available for Mary.

So how did she do it? And what can we learn from her? The most obvious answer is found in Mary’s response to Gabriel’s astonishing announcement: “Behold, I am the handmaiden of the Lord; let it be done to me according to what you have said.” (Luke 1:38) In his Message paraphrase, Eugene Peterson writes it thus: “I’m the Lord’s maid, ready to serve. ?Let it be with me just as you say.”

Whether men or women, we all go through “ninth months.” Sometimes they are physical, but more often they are spiritual or emotional. We suspect that something good is coming, but it hasn’t arrived. We may wonder how God will accomplish His will, but we cling to His promises.

Let this be our daily prayer through ninth month experiences, “Lord, I am yours. I am ready to serve. Let it be with me just as you say. Amen.”

Related articles: The hardest part of faith

Never Ever!

Hebrews 13:5b 'because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” 

I caught the last few minutes of Focus on the family on my way to work yesterday, and boy I’m sure glad I did! The guest speaker was Pastor Brady Boyd who is a senior pastor at New life church. He shared a very powerful story about being bullied as a kid. It all began when he was asked to replace an older boy in the high school baseball team (who was kicked off for unruly behaviour). Pastor Brady’s team mates must have been unhappy with that so they decided to ‘teach him a lesson’. One day after practice, when the coach was nowhere in sight, his team mates grabbed him, tied his hands, tied a rope round his neck and dragged him around the baseball field. By the time they let him go you can only imagine how bruised and bleeding his neck was.

He described his dad as a ‘big guy’ who had taught him to defend himself, but he felt powerless to do so in the situation he found himself in. He mentioned being overcome by shame for his inability to defend himself, so attempted to hide the bruises from his family. Luckily his brother saw it and reported the incident to his father, who promptly asked for an explanation. His father told him not to go to school the following morning that he would go instead. Later the next day his father came home and informed him that he could go to school. Pastor Brady said he was never ever bullied again and everybody (including teachers) was extra nice to him till he graduated. He said he never found out what his father said or did that resulted in such a drastic change, but from that day on he felt like his father was ALWAYS with him. That statement absolutely blew my mind! If he can feel that way about his father who did that one thing for him, then what about God who does much more for us each and every day?

The bible tells us in Isaiah 49:15-16 [And the Lord answered] Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? Yes, they may forget, yet I will not forget you. Behold, I have indelibly imprinted (tattooed a picture of) you on the palm of each of My hands; [O Zion] your walls are continually before Me, that God is willing and able to do much more for us than those who claim to love us most.

The bible is full of promises from God about Him NEVER EVER leaving us.

Deuteronomy 31:6 “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Deuteronomy 31:8 “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Joshua 1:5 “No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.” 

Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

1Chronicles 28:20 David also said to Solomon his son, “Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the Lord is finished. 

Matthew 28:20 ”and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

So why do we feel lonely? Why do we feel abandoned? If Pastor Brady could always feel the presence of an absent father then why can’t we feel the presence of God who IS ALWAYS with us? Do we even believe God when He says He is ALWAYS with us?

I think as humans we automatically assume that God always being with us means that we will never suffer or have to go through trying times- but that’s not the case. Isaiah 43:3 “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned or scorched, nor will the flame kindle upon you” tells us that Gods presence is a guarantee that when we go through these trials we will come out victorious and not a guarantee that we will not go through trials.

He is always there, you may not see or feel Him- but just believe that He is there, because He is.

Related articles: The Never-forsaking God

A friend loves at all times.

So you know how I hardly delete emails? Well the poem I’ve written below was one I sent someone in 2010 (or was it 2011?). I found it a few weeks ago while organising my inbox and it got me thinking about friends and friendship. I decided then that I’d write a post about friendship at some point, and today presented a wonderful opportunity. As is our custom, my colleagues and I had a heated conversation during lunch about....yes you guessed it “Friendship”.

The conversation centred on what you wouldn’t do around your spouse and it got me thinking about the concept of your spouse as your best friend. A concept I realise that a lot of people do not fully understand. I do not claim to fully understand it either and maybe I’m being idealistic about believing that I should be able to share everything with my spouse and he should be able to share everything with me. If my spouse is my best friend, then there shouldn’t be another person on earth that is privy to information or knows a side of me that he doesn’t, and I expect it to be the same for him as well. I realise that this might be the ideal situation, but it’s not always the case especially when you are not unconditionally accepted by your spouse. I read an article a few weeks ago that stated unconditional acceptance as one of the 5 traits of a true Christian friend, and quoted Proverbs 17:17 “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” as the scripture reference. In the absence of unconditional acceptance I find that people are not as relaxed and as open as they should be for fear of rejection.

During the conversation, a colleague made a statement that’s still ringing in my head, she said ‘you chose to be or stop being a friend’. That statement came at a time when I’m learning that all of life is based on choice- you chose to react a certain way to situations within or beyond your control, and friendship is no exception. You chose to be a friend and you chose to stop being a friend.

They say some people come into our lives for a season and others for a reason, but our spouses are not one of the season type people. Friendships do not build and maintain themselves, like everything else they require effort from us. Is your friendship with your spouse a priority to you, or are you investing more in friendships with your guys or your girls?

To my husband, “My brother, my best friend, we’ll be friends forever not because of chance, but because we chose to be everyday of our lives” and to all my friends “Though you do not compare to the love of my life, I am grateful to God for you - you are loved and deeply cherished, I chose you too”

 Oh, the comfort

The inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person,

Having neither to weigh thoughts,

Nor measure words- but pouring them

All right out- just as they are
Chaff and grain together

Certain that a faithful hand will take a sift them

Keep what is worth keeping

And with the breath of kindness

Blow the rest away

By Dinah Mulock

Just like the Dead Sea?

A dear friend once told me during a very difficult period in my life that my area of trials is my area of ministry- words which God has proven to be very true over the last few months. More than using our experiences to build others up, God also uses those experiences to build us up. Last week Monday and Friday, I had a series of conversations with a young lady about similar trials we are currently facing. She seemed really down so I attempted to encourage her from my reserve tank of hope, even though I wasn’t feeling too peachy. At the end of the conversation, not only was her spirit lifted, but mine was tremendously lifted as well.

I’d given, but God had replenished more than what I’d given, by using the words He spoke through me to remind me of His faithfulness. I could have wallowed in self pity and we could both have had ourselves a nice pity party talking about how depressed we felt, but instead we both left that conversation with strengthened faith and a renewed sense of hope and trust in what God had said about our various situations.

I’d searched for inspiration to write a story that aptly illustrates the point I’m trying to make, but God felt that something more real would get the point across, so He suggested using the Dead Sea to illustrate my point.

The Dead Sea is one of the most salty bodies of water. The reason for the saltiness is that the Dead Sea has one main body of water flowing into it, and is landlocked on every other side – meaning the water has nowhere to go once it arrives at the Dead Sea. The only way water can leave is through evaporation, but as the water evaporates, the salt that was in the water stays behind, adding to the already enormous amount of salt in the water.

This saltiness is also the reason the sea does not support life. The high salt content causes osmosis to occur, literally drawing water (life) out of fish, thus killing it.

Humans can float very easily in the Dead Sea; however swimming is a different matter. It’s easier to swim in a swimming pool or even the ocean than it is to swim in the Dead Sea. This is because the salt content in the water makes it much heavier than any other body of water on Earth. This heaviness pushes anything that enters it up to the surface, making deep sea diving impossible– the water is just too heavy.

The Dead Sea may not be able to survive for very much longer, because the sea is simply not getting the same amount of water it used to. This is because people have built pipelines that have redirected the water that would once flow to the Dead Sea from the Jordan River; the body of water that gives the Dead Sea most of its water, and forced it to go to other areas. 

How does this apply to us as individuals?

Look at yourself as a sea that gets “poured” into. God expects what He has poured into us to flow out in a manner that blesses others, which could be through our testimonies, words of encouragement, acts of kindness, generosity and show of love, e.t.c.

The default nature of man is “self concern”, with our default language being “I, me, my”. We seek to first be loved before we love. To first be made happy before we make someone else happy. To first be encouraged before we encourage. To first be fulfilled before we fulfil someone else. We want God to do something first before we praise Him. If proper care is not taken, we become like the Dead Sea that keeps taking (both from God and from individuals) without giving out.

God intends for us to be blessings to everyone else. Using my experience again as an example, I could very well have refused to encourage the lady I had the conversation with because I wasn’t in a great place either. I could have had the mindset that how about she encourage me first or maybe waited for someone else to come and make me feel better before I attempted to make her feel better, but somehow I know that if that’s what I had done I wouldn’t have felt as lifted as I did. There was a sense of fulfilment that came from positively impacting someone else’s life as well as the fact that the words that God spoke to her through me reminded me of God’s faithfulness in my life.

How does this apply to marriage/ relationships?

Suzy complains that her husband doesn’t love her and she is unhappy in their marriage. She believes that if only he does this and that for her or changes in this way and that way to suit her needs, then she’d be happy. And so he does - He made the changes she demanded and started doing all she requested, but she still wasn’t happy, neither was she satisfied. Why? Well because:

1. Self Concern (Selfishness and self centeredness)

She cannot be happy in a relationship where the other party isn’t happy? Love by definition is selfless. Like the Dead Sea that sucks the water out of fish, love cannot thrive in a relationship where the life is being sucked out of her partner by her taking and demanding, then taking some more- without giving anything in return.

2. Toxic emotions

Just as the Dead Sea cannot sustain life due to its high salt content, love cannot thrive in an environment where there is a high concentration of toxic emotions like anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, discrimination, e.t.c?

And just as the saltiness of the Dead Sea does not allow deep sea diving, these toxic emotions do now allow for ‘deep’ intimacy within a relationship.

Related article: From Malice to Mercy

The Consequences?

If this pattern of selfishness and self centeredness is allowed to continue, then like the Dead Sea it will get to the point where nothing is ‘poured’ into you because nothing is coming out of you. Pipes will be built to divert the “water” – love, happiness, fulfilment, prosperity e.t.c to more fruitful/ profitable/ beneficial “Seas”.

God is not wasteful, if you are not “pouring out”, He just might use someone else who will.

Knock, knock please let me in!!!!

“Eyamba?”

I didn’t respond. I wanted to scream, hit him – anything to dispel the raging emotions I was feeling. How could he come back after all this time and ask this of me. Just when I was picking up the pieces of my broken heart, just as I was getting my life back on track. In that moment I considered all the hurtful things I could say to him - to give him a taste of how I felt and what I thought of him and his stupid request. In a flash my mind went over the course of events that had led us to this place- the threshold of divorce; the death of our beautiful baby boy.

The night he left, I remember sitting at the dining table thinking about how much he had changed. About how in the 3years we’d been married or in the 2years we’d dated I’d never seen this side of my husband. It’d been 8months since we lost our son and I still didn’t know what my husband was thinking or how he was feeling; in all that time I’d tried to reach out to him, but he treated me like the enemy, like it was my fault our little boy was gone. I knew I couldn’t stop trying, so I walked up to where he sat on the couch and stroked his head, like I used to do when we first got married.

“Hey baby, how are you doing?”

He looked at me with so much irritation I physically withdrew. This was not my husband; this was not the man I married.

“Nnena, you keep asking me that question like you actually expect to hear anything different from what I’ve been telling you.”

“You say you are fine, but I know....”

“Has it not occurred to you that after everything that’s happened you are the last person I would want to talk to?”

Tears welled up in my eyes

“What can I do? What do you want me to do?”

Turning away from me

“Nothing. The truth is I just can’t do this anymore”

My heart rate increased

“You can’t do what anymore?”

Just like that, in just a few words the love of my life placed the final brick on the wall that he’d been building between us. He wanted a divorce.

It’s been 4months since that night, now he sits here, telling me he’s had a change of heart and wants me back? He must be having a laugh. Maybe he started weeding when he left, or maybe crack cocaine, or maybe.....

“Eyamba”

There he goes again. Eyamba is my middle name; he’s the only one that calls me that.

“Don’t call me that. You lost the right to call me Eyamba the day you decided to stop fighting for our marriage”

I regretted the words the moment they came out of my mouth.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to sound so...”

“No, no, no you are right. I gave up that right when I gave up on you- on us. Please give me another chance. That’s all I ask, just 1 more chance”

I don’t want a divorce, but I also don’t want the constant insecurity that comes with not knowing if he will throw me off the ship again when the next storm comes. I know I have to take all these fears and insecurities to God while my husband’s actions prove that I can trust him to stick around no matter what comes our way.

Extending my hand across the table to shake his over the untouched platter of chicken wings he’d ordered, his audible sigh of relief brought a half smile to my face.

“We’ll see how it goes”

***************

This story was inspired by a “Focus on the Family” show I heard on the radio as I drove to work today. The host interviewed Dr Dennis Rainey who talked about his book Building Your Mates Self- Esteem.  

During the interview Dr Rainey talked about how one of the major causes of separation and divorce is emotional abandonment caused by the emotional trauma faced as a result of losing a child or having a mentally/ physically challenged child. He emphasised that instead of using the opportunity to grow stronger as a couple and face the challenge together, one (or both parties) begins to build an impenetrable brick wall leaving their spouse on the outside. It reminded me of the Tyler Perry movie “Why did I get married too”. I’m reminded of the character Patricia, played by Janet Jackson who lost her son and ultimately lost her marriage because she couldn’t cope with the grief and basically shut her husband out. What I find particularly heartbreaking is that more often than not the couple doesn’t even realise they are dancing to the tune of the devil, who is trying his best in these last few days to destroy as many families and marriages as he can in what little time he has left.

Grief is indeed a very powerful emotion, but like every other feeling- it can lie and often does; painting your ally as your foe. The bible tells us to be watchful and vigilant so my advice would be to nip the situation in the bud before it explods, but even if it does we serve a faithful God who is able to restore all that has been stolen from us – or that we have thrown away.

Snooping around on Dr Rainey’s website, I stumbled on other causes of emotional abandonment:

Unforgiveness: Emotional abandonment is unforgiveness taken to its extreme conclusion. When we feel that our spouse has hurt us and we refuse to forgive them, we look for ways to protect ourselves from being hurt again in the future.

Callous treatment: When I am careless in how I treat my spouse, it creates hurt that may start out small, but can grow into deep wounds as it festers over time. 

Lack of effort: Sometimes the problem is a little less obvious than unforgiveness or harsh treatment. It is easy, especially for men, to just assume that the relationship is going along just fine, and so don't put in as much effort as they once did, and start to take their spouse for granted, leading them to think that they are not important in their lives.

Lack of time: Many of us simply try to pack too much into a day. Ruled by the urgent, we fail to make time for the truly important: things like romancing, talking about issues and really developing a friendship with our spouse. We stay constantly busy, erasing quality "couple times" from our schedules.

Fear of talking through issues: Emotional detachment does not just happen out of the blue; there is always something behind it. If one or both of the spouses has an inability or fear of talking through the issues in their relationship, then this kind of disconnect will be the likely result.

Source: Emotional Abandonment: When Your Spouse Shuts You Out

Suggestions he made about resolution and restoration:

 Agree to talk

Be prepared: Before you have the talk, take the time separately to think through the unresolved issues that you'll be discussing

Be direct but gentle

Begin to meet unmet needs: Often a person pulls back from the relationship because, in their mind, their needs are not being met. A healthy marriage demands that both partners actively work to discern the needs of their spouse, and work to meet those needs. Seek to understand your spouse's needs and ask yourself how you can start to better express love by meeting these needs. Make your spouse and sorting things out your new priority.

Deal with your own stuff: If I am feeling abandoned by my spouse, I need to ask myself a tough question: What have I done to drive my spouse away? Now it may not be only your responsibility. Nevertheless, you have to find out what you are responsible for and take ownership for your actions

Intentionally re-engage: If you are to re-establish your emotional connection, it won't happen by accident and it won't happen overnight. You need to agree to make your relationship a priority and spend some quality time together.

Act kindly: Small gestures of warmth, acts of kindness, and efforts to rekindle the romance between you will go a long way toward renewing your bond with one another.

Love unconditionally: You cannot control your spouse's behaviour, but you can control your own. Regardless of how your spouse responds, you must choose to treat them with love. This is not easy to do when your partner is not reciprocating, but it is what you vowed to do when you promised to love each other "for better or for worse." And nothing breaks down emotional barriers like unconditional love.

Allow God to work: I'm going to challenge you to ask God to change you. God wants your best and He'll always be ready to take full responsibility for any life that is totally surrendered to Him. That also includes re-engaging with your spouse and getting attached in love again. God wants that and He will guide you in that, if you'll allow Him to.

Source:  Nine Steps to Defeat Isolation in Your Marriage